Let's Talk

So, I want to talk about something that has been on my mind the last couple of weeks, and it is this. You just never know what people are going through. Remember when I asked for stories and recipes a few weeks ago? Well, I've been really touched as people have actually responded to that and shared their stories -- you guys are awesome. Among the responses that I got was this heartbreaking/heartwarming tale. I don't actually know whose story it is (it was sent anonymously, and when you read it you'll understand why), but its one that I'm sharing with the permission of the author because we think that there are a lot of you out there also suffering in silence, and we think you should know you're not alone:

This is only part of my story. That's what makes it so poignant. Our lives are so multifaceted that one aspect of our life can't define it. But each part of our stories shape us and strengthen us.

This is the story of my secret battle--the secret that brought me closer to my God than I even realized was possible.

You see, my husband struggles with an addiction to pornography. Sure, there are many people in this world who look at pornography and don't see anything wrong with it. And there are many people who drink alcohol and don't see anything wrong with it. Do you know why the leaders of our church (the LDS church) caution so strongly against these things? It's because there are people out there who see pornography once or take one drink of alcohol and are instantly addicts. Their brains are wired differently than the rest of us. It's a very sad and very real thing. My husband made the mistake of looking at pornography when he was a teenager and has struggled to stay away from it since. Is he a creep? No. Is he a bad person? No. In fact, as far as addictions go, he is not in very deep and is doing quite well. But you mention the word "addict" and people suddenly picture a manipulative, dirty, weak person.

This is why my battle is secret. I will not tolerate anyone judging my husband based on this one part of him. This is one part of his "story," not something he should be remembered for. If he feels confident enough in the future, he may reach out to others in order to help people in similar situations, but until then I do this in silence. Out of respect for him. But wading through a trial in secret is hard and lonely.

I believe that there is no mistake that this is one of my trials in life, because I can handle it. I am a very confident person. Sure, I have my insecure moments in life--comparing myself to others or feeling left out--but for the most part I have always been quite confident. I don't think this was a coincidence. I needed every ounce of confidence possible to stare this battle in the face and say, "It is not my fault my husband looks at porn. He looked at it before he knew me, and he would look at it if I left. I did not cause this. I will not be blamed for this. This does not make me ugly. This does not make me less attractive or sexy. This does not have to do with me." It still breaks me down and sometimes I think I'm not cut out for this kind of trial, but I fight back with a strength that wouldn't be possible had I come into the relationship lacking in confidence.

I wish I could make every woman going through this truly, truly understand that. This is not your fault and is not a reflection of how attractive/smart/fun you are. This is an addiction. Heavenly Father helped me understand this in one of my darkest hours when I was feeling anger, hurt, and disgust after a relapse. I was begging for God to help me stop crying. I felt a comfort I had never felt before. The crying stopped instantly. I had never felt a peace and calm quite like I did that night. And I knew my husband's problem had nothing to do with me.

I'm sure you've heard people say, "We plan. God laughs." This saying actually makes me mad. God doesn't laugh at us. He doesn't laugh at our efforts. God encourages us to plan and prepare for what we want in life. Then he provides us with the tools necessary to get through hard times when our plans don't work out the way we had hoped. God prepares us. I was prepared.

This battle has brought me closer to God and strengthened my faith more than anything else in my life.

Sometimes I think, "Wait. This isn't how my life is supposed to be! This isn't how I saw my future!" And then I sit back and remember that no one is living the life they imagined. And that's what fascinates me about life. It happens. And we survive. And if we let ourselves, we can still be incredibly happy.

That's part of my story.

Seriously, I'm so inspired by my friend, by her faith, and by her strength. And her story just kind of brought home what I've been thinking about for a long time: that we just don't know what others are dealing with. And it's a pretty safe bet that they are dealing with something. And knowing that makes me more disposed to be kind to people, to give them the benefit of the doubt, to look closer. And to remember that despite what it looks like, no one has a perfect life. No one has everything figured out.

And her story also reminds me that there is always room for faith and for happiness in our lives. Maybe not every single second will be rainbows and unicorns, but there is always room for faith and joy if we choose it.

Post Script: 

My friend added at the end of her note to me, the following: 

If anyone is struggling with something similar and needs some support, feel free to email me at stepbysteptoeternity at gmail dot com.

And I only have awesome friends, so if one of you maybe is struggling or knows someone who is, I think you should take her up on the offer.